Hero

Hero

Just last night, while I was preparing for dinner, I heard myself singing the song "Hero". Wasn't paying attention to myself though, and it's not my habit to sing while doing something. 

   "..then a hero comes along. With a strength to carry on. And you cast your fears aside. And you know you can survive.... So when you feel like hope is gone. Look inside you and be strong.... And you'll finally see the truth... That a hero lies in you!"

It wasn't until I heard myself singing these lines when I started listening. And the message struck me. Bull's eye! 

   "It's a long road.. When you face the world alone. No one reaches out a hand for you to hold...."

A few years ago I started struggling with depression. Frustration. Not really sure of the difference of those two, but I am sure I felt so less of myself and melancholic. I have a good job by then. Was working for a big Australian insurance company with great compensation and  rewarding benefits. And since it's an Australian account, and I'm in the Philippines at that time, I worked on regular office hours thus I was freed from the dilemma of working graveyard shifts. Backtracking, I used to work with American companies as customer support officer, thus I had to work while the rest of the Filipinos are enjoying their beds at night. Bringing you back to the "then" future, I guess I have all that I need. I am renting my own space, paid my monthly bills, took care of my needs and was just great at making ends meet. And if you are thinking that the "probable" reason for my distraught is because I'm single, no I'm not. Although it's for a long distance relationship but my then fiancé and I were able to keep the relationship healthy and normal despite the distance and time difference.

So what made me melancholic? Trust me, up until this point my answer is -I don't know. Strange eh? Yes. Indeed it is odd. I have spent so much time, so many days and nights in trying to figure out what's wrong with me? Until I got so exhausted, so stressed and so disappointed with life. Did I tell people about it? Yes and no. 

I'm the person who chooses whom I'll confide myself with. Not all of my trusted and closest friends knew I was struggling. I told at least two people, both I've know in only less than two years. Why them? I just feel like it's them whom I can trust and it's them who sees and understand the real me. The true me. And I know, that they've been very sensitive enough to know that I was struggling long before I opened up to them. 

Days and nights, my battle worsened. I became more and more contained. Restrained. I chose to stay at home during my free days, I don't go out with friends, I merely talk to  people in the office -other than my closest office mates. And I am reclining more to becoming a certified introvert. I spent my free times reading just about any books. And I couldn't even remember what the book is all about just after finishing it. I lost my focus.

I was so consumed with my depression that I realized I'm sinking. And with that realization, I became more weary. I am caught in an unending wave of disappointment and insecurity. And a pile more of negative thoughts and feelings attacked me. I was so helpless. Hopeless. Tired. Feels like I'm buried down in my own bottomless pit, too weak and tired to dig myself out.

Both my spirit and soul were dead. I was mentally and physically exhausted. And I couldn't find a way to break free. While I was so tired an feeling hopeless, I didn't physically surrender. Although my depression was painted all over me, I still tried to live life on a normal ground. I would share jokes to my friends, occasionally talk to them, and if I feel like going out with them for dinner -I would. 

Unfortunately, despite how good I am at wearing my "poker face" and jiving, going along with whatever is happening trying to live normally, it was almost too late when I realized that my performance at work was greatly affected. I couldn't count the number of instances when my direct manager would request for a chat with me. And trust me, I've already memorized each directives he is about to tell me. Of course, I was just there to listen and nod; listen and nod. After a few weeks, I was transferred to another team -nothing changed. I'm nothing but a failure. 

Adding my work issues to my then existing struggles made me feel so horrible. How could life be so rude to me? I haven't even yet figured out what my problem was that caused me so much depression and now, my work is at stake. 

Not for so long, my fiancé and I decided that I will need to be back to his country after my first visit. Well, that brought light and delight! I was so focused and busy in preparing my documents and requirements in processing my visa. And in less than six months, I'm back to the U.S.! 

I thought all are back to normal and have fallen in place. Then after a month, I felt something stirring within. And I know I can recognize that feeling. It came back and slapped me right on my face as if telling me that I can ever outsmart it. That I needed to face it and solve its mystery. I tried to ignore it. But the more I do, the more it dug deeper in me. Until one day I found myself in the same spot. So depressed, disappointed, insecure, hopeless, melancholic.... And I'm drowned. This time I am drowned. I can no longer breathe. And I'm too tired. Too tired to think about why? And all that I ever wanted to do is just stop. End everything. That's it. I'm on my dead end. I'm done. 

   "....you can find love. If you search within yourself.. And the emptiness you felt will disappear....then a hero comes along. With a strength to carry on. And you cast your fears aside. And you know you can survive...." 

Then I heard myself and listened to what I was singing last night while I was cooking for dinner. And I realized, I am bigger than my problem! Whatever it is, no one can beat it but me! That there's not another person who can help me unbolt myself from this chain of miseries but me. 

    "So when you feel like hope is gone. Look inside you and be strong.... And you'll finally see the truth... That a hero lies in you!" :) 

Please also visit my other blogs The[un]chef101. And if you have not yet subscribed to my channel My Siesta  please click on the subscribe button and share this video so other people on the same diet can also enjoy this dish. Thank you very much!

Off To My Fantasy Land

When I was a child, I thought real life Princes and Princesses don’t exist – thought they were just some book writers and movie scriptwriters’ imagination. Funny though –I then believe in “they live happily ever after”.

Those were the days when dreaming and imagining that my own Prince would come to my rescue happens; just like how Princesses from the movies are rescued by their own Princes. And my imagination goes on with an ending of me and my Prince “living happily ever after”.

I had those imaginations stuck within me for years until one day I realized that I need to wake up to the reality and leave my fairy fantasy land behind.

Unlike however some other kids my age, I don’t believe in the existence of Santa Claus. Not because I live in my own imaginary fairy land (where gnomes, Prince, Princesses and dwarfs were the only characters –no Santa Claus is to be found) but because my parents told me that Santa Claus is people’s “imaginary gift giver and wish grantor” for kids who have been playing their good characters all year round. They told me that Santa Claus is just actually Mommy and Daddy dressed in that funny red suit with awful beards (that most of the times don’t look appropriate on them) and would tip toe at the middle of the night when everybody’s at their deep sleep to put their gifts under the tree. Guess my parents were being too mean to have that wildest imagination a normal child could bear busted for me. The good side however, there wasn’t a Christmas that my parents would skip in putting up a tree together. Every year I am seeing different styles and designs for a Christmas tree –designed of course by my mother and with the help of my father have the thing up.

As years passed however, the need to put off the belief of a “merry” Christmas must be considered. Guess my childhood wasn’t as fantastic as what other kids my age have. Since my parents separated a decade and some years ago, I stopped believing in Christmas. I told myself that Christmas, like Santa Claus is just most people’s imagination of entertaining themselves and making themselves believe that there is this certain season of the year for humanity to celebrate and enjoy.

I grew up as a bitter person full of questions and frustrations. I wonder why other kids were given the privilege of having a real and complete family –with Mom and Dad around. Then I told myself that one day, I’ll have someone that will love me –someone I can call mine. And together we’ll build our “complete, happy family”. Someday –in my wildest dreams. In my own fantasy land.

Now I’m old enough to realize what’s real from dream, what’s hallucination from imagination. It’s ironic to think that as I’ve realized and learned that Princes and Princesses were actually real (and some exists in Europe) that I have stopped believing in “living happily ever after”. I think this has something to do with what happened to my parents’ marital relationship. Although I know that my parents’ story don’t define my life’s own story, but only Lord knows how their separation struck me –bull’s eye!

I however didn’t give up in love. I did have past relationship that lasted for over a decade; unfortunately with someone not so deserving of my trust. But I let bygone by bygone and open another window for another chance. Whatever and wherever will my present relationship will lead to, I know that while Prince and Princesses are real the “living happily ever after” part will happen at the right time, with the right person. And if this relationship that I have is with the right man, then I’d be sure to someday (if when, I can’t tell) spend the rest of my life with him in the real world –and not only in my own imaginary, fantasy land.

Please also visit my other blogs The[un]chef101. And if you have not yet subscribed to my channel My Siesta  please click on the subscribe button and share this video so other people on the same diet can also enjoy this dish. Thank you very much!

The Voice Within

My real intention of creating this page is –like other bloggers will at least earn something, however, it appears like maintaining a site for that purpose is time consuming, very confusing and stressing that lately I just found out that I have turned this page into a virtual diary where I can vent, share my ideas and “talk” myself out.

I guess it all started when I found out that I have no one to talk with and is caged inside this four-cornered house (but of course we don’t have a circle house) 24/7 with the convenience of having round the clock access to the internet –of which they claim is the home of all of the most interesting “whatevers” that can take you out from your delusion and take you to an interesting and notable level of entertainment. But I guess this doesn’t apply to everybody and that includes me.

I am one of those home based professionals that try to make ends meet by facing my computer as early as 5AM until as late as 2AM the following day. With the privilege of course of managing my own time (meaning I choose when to take a break, rest and eat) that unfortunately often turns out to be deprived from me since there is no way will I waste a single minute to leave my computer (for the intent of earning not for myself but to help my family in making ends meet ---long list of debts, bills, needs and again –“whatevers”!) just to do those things.

And whenever during my long day and night at work, a friend would call or send a message (through text, email, etc) I need to at least take time to multitask between my works and them just so to be able to give time for them (and that’s no biggies though. I meant it every time I listen to their vents, frustrations, problems and “whatevers”).

And then here comes the last day of the week and although I hate it (but since it is a part of my weekly routine), I need to check on the needs of my family –food, bills, other stuff (although please don’t you ever think that I am married since I am definitely single! Maybe it’s the culture or could be the burden of being the first born that I need to take all of these responsibilities of helping them –and then again, it is my pleasure to do this, they’re my family, right?) So once I’m done with the “buckle list” that we need for the entire week, I need to get myself to the nearest market and store to buy all of the items listed. (just in time since I just received my salary for the week. Yey!)

Now here comes the time that I really feel exhausted that I think I need to treat myself –so I go by planning, estimating and calculating everything that I need. And once I’m done, I’ll end up cancelling the plan since looking at how much money I’d be wasting brings me back to thinking about the long list of debts, bills and “whatevers” that I need to prioritize.

Ho! I am no superwoman, so I turn to try to talk to my friends about life and stuff like that but wait –am I just talking to myself? If they’re not too busy, they’re too busy or just too busy. So okay, I guess I need to get back to facing my computer, work on my tasks, pout (whenever necessary), use both of my index fingers in stretching my lips (forcing it to smile) and say “what a loooonngggg day!” Well, I guess I’ll have my time when I’ll finally retire to my bed super late at night (no, very early the next morning –now that’s confusing!). My bed is my only reward, my pillow is my loyal friend and my blanket is my only comforter. And that Guy up there is the only person who hears my cry –the voice within (I am not really sure if I am into making loud cries that it resonates up to His place) but regardless of whatever His hearing skills are, I am thankful He is there just willing to listen to my cries!

If you have not yet subscribed to my channel My Siesta  please click on the subscribe button and share this video so other people on the same diet can also enjoy this dish. Thank you very much!

Please also visit my other blogs The[un]chef101. Thank you! :) 

How To Work On This Type Of Relationship

If you are reading this article and (is or was) in a relationship with someone from the other country (in a more decent term –foreigner), then I guess we might agree at some facts about dealing with the said relationship. Don’t speak a word yet if you are not one of us, mull over and read through this write up –see for yourself the “complications” and “challenges we have been facing.

The introduction and advancement of today’s technology has somehow provided both advantages and disadvantages to the end users (although overrated are the advantages). I am talking about the innovative gadgets, communication media and some other obvious technological advancement available today. These things weren't only used in gathering information –that is either for educational, recreation or work-related purposes (especially to the students, working professionals, learners and hobbyist) but also have provided great means of bridging the communication between two separate parties.

The internet has played the most crucial and significant role in this avenue. Not only this can be used in collecting information (researches), advertisements and businesses –some people benefit from its free of charge call features. Name any possible call options (with or without cam) that you can think and the internet has it all.

These made it possible for two different people coming from different locations of the world of different races meet, talk, and fall in love and then… fall apart?? The answer is the big YES. While “falling in love” and getting a relationship can sometimes be too slow (depends on how motivated and compelled you are in getting one), the recently available modernization of technology can channel such need.

There are various ways to have a “virtual” relationship. The most common (and unrivaled) means are through considering dating websites, social networks and chat rooms. With the hundreds of thousand subscribers (or members) from these sites, the rate of chances in “finding” your match is high. The downside however will be the issues of the website’s reliability and efficacy, the person’s fidelity and truthfulness as well as the risk of getting scammed or fooled. A month-long of knowing the person you met from these sites is not enough to finally decide that you are into a something legit enough to be called a “relationship”.

However, there were countless claims or successful relationship from online dating sites. And mind you, I've known a lot of friends that considered that approach! While I am one of those people who have a very long distance (thousands of miles if that’s enough to define the term) relationship, mine is different. I didn't meet him from any of these websites. We were introduced by a mutual friend. The courtship went fine (I guess both of us was able to adjust from each other’s differences) although there were times when complications and issues are unavoidable.

To those who weren't familiar with what I am talking about, here below are some of the possible issues that would rise within a relationship of two people separated by distance but also by some other components. Such issues could be something about:

·         Tradition, Religion And Culture. Even the smartest person will become dumb whenever a clash of culture and tradition is the concern. You certainly can’t argue with your partner about their nation’s practices and in the same manner will you not let them argue with yours. No one will ever prefer to get criticism regarding their belief. The motto would be “mind your own business”.

·         Lifestyle. While this might be impossible but this follows with the previous. Same manner, you can’t change your partner’s way of living their life (not unless if they voluntarily do it for your pleasure –congratulations to you!)

·         Social Status And Profession. Believe me or not, but this counts too. Say, how are you going to possibly deal with someone who can’t even take a grasp of what you were trying to say all because to her or him you are talking jargon when you actually are not. If you are a lawyer from another country, and your partner’s a lawyer from his or her country –there is no way will you talk about law since your countries abide from different sets of law! Neither will you make the person feel that you are far wealthier than him or her (although this never really happens often but there were cases when inadvertently you made him or her feel less).

·         Age Gap. Pacing is important here. You can’t just talk about Theodore Roosevelt to someone who was born 10 years after Mr. Roosevelt was killed! Expect to see the person grasping for some air as he or she is trying to understand everything you were trying to relay. In the same manner will you discuss about Britney Spears to a person who was born during Monroe’s time.

·         Communication Gap. I think this should be place on top of all of these factors. There were some slang (terms and words) used by different countries. And based on my experience, regardless of how I tried to understand what my man was talking about, I still was left blank and empty headed that I have to ask him to explain it to me. Call me half wit (it’s up to you) but not all foreign slang can be understood by everybody.

I guess what I am trying to say is that challenges, trials and issues are normal in a relationship. However, the tension would double for those people who come from different races, nations and beliefs. The best thing to do is to observe respect, extend patience, be open to understand and never forget to talk things out. Being upfront to each other really helps. Trust is another factor that needs to be enhanced as well.

Please also visit my other blogs The[un]chef101. And if you have not yet subscribed to my channel My Siesta  please click on the subscribe button and share this video so other people on the same diet can also enjoy this dish. Thank you very much!

Hear My Cries

My Children,

I have been taking good care of you since Stone Age, seen some of your brethren strive and worked hard to live.

It was some years back when there were no internet connection, no mobile phone and no instant foods are available. It was during when man used their hands in toiling the sand in growing greens.

It was during those years when everyone knows the real essence of the word “respect”, “love” and “mercy”. They never get diploma from famous Universities. They have never seen them nor heard of them. 

Your brothers and sisters of the older years have never been to casinos, spas, malls and golf courses. They have never tried getting themselves entertained on some reputed band’s concerts, movie and theatrical shows. They don’t even know how to define celebrities and politicians.

I have seen how lifestyle changed as years passed by, my children. These changes have caused you all to change as well. You have grown to be more intuitive, innovative, creative and clever. 

Oh, I might never get a chance to tell you this but I was saddened by how you gradually changed everything. You have turned the vast lands into golf courses, malls and real estate properties have replaced our modest homes, the once lively and healthy rivers have turned brown, dirty and unhealthy and what do you call those waters that will just suddenly appear whenever heavy rains come? Flood was it? 

Have you counted through your fingers the lives that were lost during floods, earthquakes and other calamities? If you have, can you now estimate how wide the mountain areas where trees were cut? Can you see and check on the garbage and dump sites and evaluate on all of the plastic materials that you’re burning every day? 

The skies that used to be your comfort and canopy; can you tell what happened to it today? All that I see are black smokes coming from those big establishments you call “factories”.

I’ve grown so old, my Child. And this is the time that I need you to take good care of me. Please know that I’m so proud of what all of you have become. However, I’d be happy if you’ll take the responsibility of taking good care of the place that has taken good care of your ancestors. Today is the right time for you to start. Use your creativity, skills and intelligence in making this place a place conducive for your offspring to live in.

Love; Mother Nature

Please also visit my other blogs The[un]chef101. And if you have not yet subscribed to my channel My Siesta  please click on the subscribe button and share this video so other people on the same diet can also enjoy this dish. Thank you very much!

I’m glad to finally see you smiling,Mommy!

Dear Mommy,

You were too young when you met dad. I guess both of you were in senior high school by then. You two were very happy; especially you, Mommy. There is not a boring day to you whenever you are with him. And obviously, the two of you were in love. It shows. You were glowing!

Every day the two of you have each other. And when you celebrated your first anniversary, you were the happiest girl in the entire university! Oh, Mommy! You’ve been wearing such a smile only you can define what it’s all about. Well, it is your heart that can describe everything.

Years passed. There were times when you two had fights. However, none of you gave up. That’s love. Real love. Until one day, you were freaking out. I guess you were afraid? Uhmmm… No, I guess you were just excited. You called Dad, you agreed to meet up and talked. I can see the surprise painted on his face. I am not just sure if like you, Daddy was in absolute happiness too.

You two were discussing things. I heard the term “options” and “future”.  There were terms so vague I can’t understand. You were talking about “responsibilities”, Daddy was just listening. You were crying since then, Mommy. You never stopped crying. I wish to let you know that I was sad to see you sad and I was hoping to hear your laughter again. I can see Daddy was always there for you to catch all of those tears that run down your face. What’s wrong, Mommy? Why can’t you be happy and wear those smiles again?

One day, you talked with Daddy again. You said that your decision is final. I didn't really understand the whole thing, but you were saying you wanted to pursue your plans. That you want to graduate college and become a doctor. Daddy was just listening, staring at nowhere. What happened, Mommy? Why aren't you telling me anything? I’m here, willing to listen if you need me to.

One fine day, you went to a “specialist”. You have this appointment and I feel so excited since you said it’s for everybody’s good. The person in white robe, he was carrying with him some apparatus. I am not sure what they were. They had you in bed. And hey! What is that, Mommy? Why am I feeling some pains? It’s painful! Help me, Mom! Wait!

After the procedure, you were laying still in that bed staring at the ceiling. I saw tears running down your cheeks again. However, I saw a faint smile. Did that really make you happy, Mommy? Well, I’m glad to finally see you smiling again! I am happy that you are wearing that smile again, Mommy! I love you and thank you for keeping me and making me a part of you, even if it didn't take much time. I hope you gave me chance, Mommy. Chance to make you feel my love for you.

Love,

Your child. Your aborted child.

Please also visit my other blogs The[un]chef101. And if you have not yet subscribed to my channel My Siesta  please click on the subscribe button and share this video so other people on the same diet can also enjoy this dish. Thank you very much!

How do I love thee? You tell me!

Will anybody who loved to be told how much they are loved rise? Certainly, there are multitude rising. Thanks for the cooperation. Just wanted to know though and confirm that the fact that most or should I say almost all of the people want to hear comforting words at all times. Is there anybody that can be considered as an exemption? Answer is, NO ONE. 

It feels great and comforting to hear directly from someone how much you are loved, cared, important, desired, etc.. etc.. We don’t really feel tired of hearing the same words, errr flattering words (to say it right) all over again. Even if we have been told for like millionth of times each day, we still prefer to hear the same compliments from the people so dear to us. 

However, there are some people who are not vocal about what they feel. Yes, you read it right. There are some who are not. Do you think you will like it if your lover is not expressive while you are? Getting across this idea reminds me of a particular scene from The O.C. It was the part when Marissa Cooper embraced her boyfriend Ryan Atwood and unintentionally whispered “I love you”. Ryan was taken aback and replied “Thank you”. Isn’t that awkward? Well to some it is not, to some it is. 

Any situation depends on how you view it. However, there were times when all we need is to hear the exact things and words that we expect. While it is true that less expectation means less frustration and depression, what really drives us to move forward and be motivated are those expectations and hopes that we kept deep inside us.

Please also visit my other blogs The[un]chef101. And if you have not yet subscribed to my channel My Siesta  please click on the subscribe button and share this video so other people on the same diet can also enjoy this dish. Thank you very much!