A Woman, A Mother and A Wife (A Poetry)

By: JBD101382 

      9 March 2019

You are a woman;
You may be ridiculed for being naive, weak and frail.

You are a mother;
You may be mocked, considered gormless and ignorant. 

With nothing much to do but care for your family, prioritizing yourself last.

You are a wife;
You may be depicted as an obedient subordinate, expected to submit yourself and obey.

You may feel insecure and depressed for being considered as such.
But don’t despair,
For...

You are a woman;
The subtle shadow that keeps the balance and order of things.

You are a mother;
The origin of humanity. 

It is you who served as a vessel for the future generations 

       -the great leaders, inventors and various geniuses.

You are a wife;
Every husband’s source of strength when they’re physically and emotionally exhausted.

You are you. 

Some may be oblivious of you, some may completely ignore you.
But don’t falter, nor shatter.
You are no one’s jester, no one’s slave
You don’t have any master,
Just have your confidence mustered

You are you;
  A woman
  A mother
  A wife

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Hero

Hero

Just last night, while I was preparing for dinner, I heard myself singing the song "Hero". Wasn't paying attention to myself though, and it's not my habit to sing while doing something. 

   "..then a hero comes along. With a strength to carry on. And you cast your fears aside. And you know you can survive.... So when you feel like hope is gone. Look inside you and be strong.... And you'll finally see the truth... That a hero lies in you!"

It wasn't until I heard myself singing these lines when I started listening. And the message struck me. Bull's eye! 

   "It's a long road.. When you face the world alone. No one reaches out a hand for you to hold...."

A few years ago I started struggling with depression. Frustration. Not really sure of the difference of those two, but I am sure I felt so less of myself and melancholic. I have a good job by then. Was working for a big Australian insurance company with great compensation and  rewarding benefits. And since it's an Australian account, and I'm in the Philippines at that time, I worked on regular office hours thus I was freed from the dilemma of working graveyard shifts. Backtracking, I used to work with American companies as customer support officer, thus I had to work while the rest of the Filipinos are enjoying their beds at night. Bringing you back to the "then" future, I guess I have all that I need. I am renting my own space, paid my monthly bills, took care of my needs and was just great at making ends meet. And if you are thinking that the "probable" reason for my distraught is because I'm single, no I'm not. Although it's for a long distance relationship but my then fiancé and I were able to keep the relationship healthy and normal despite the distance and time difference.

So what made me melancholic? Trust me, up until this point my answer is -I don't know. Strange eh? Yes. Indeed it is odd. I have spent so much time, so many days and nights in trying to figure out what's wrong with me? Until I got so exhausted, so stressed and so disappointed with life. Did I tell people about it? Yes and no. 

I'm the person who chooses whom I'll confide myself with. Not all of my trusted and closest friends knew I was struggling. I told at least two people, both I've know in only less than two years. Why them? I just feel like it's them whom I can trust and it's them who sees and understand the real me. The true me. And I know, that they've been very sensitive enough to know that I was struggling long before I opened up to them. 

Days and nights, my battle worsened. I became more and more contained. Restrained. I chose to stay at home during my free days, I don't go out with friends, I merely talk to  people in the office -other than my closest office mates. And I am reclining more to becoming a certified introvert. I spent my free times reading just about any books. And I couldn't even remember what the book is all about just after finishing it. I lost my focus.

I was so consumed with my depression that I realized I'm sinking. And with that realization, I became more weary. I am caught in an unending wave of disappointment and insecurity. And a pile more of negative thoughts and feelings attacked me. I was so helpless. Hopeless. Tired. Feels like I'm buried down in my own bottomless pit, too weak and tired to dig myself out.

Both my spirit and soul were dead. I was mentally and physically exhausted. And I couldn't find a way to break free. While I was so tired an feeling hopeless, I didn't physically surrender. Although my depression was painted all over me, I still tried to live life on a normal ground. I would share jokes to my friends, occasionally talk to them, and if I feel like going out with them for dinner -I would. 

Unfortunately, despite how good I am at wearing my "poker face" and jiving, going along with whatever is happening trying to live normally, it was almost too late when I realized that my performance at work was greatly affected. I couldn't count the number of instances when my direct manager would request for a chat with me. And trust me, I've already memorized each directives he is about to tell me. Of course, I was just there to listen and nod; listen and nod. After a few weeks, I was transferred to another team -nothing changed. I'm nothing but a failure. 

Adding my work issues to my then existing struggles made me feel so horrible. How could life be so rude to me? I haven't even yet figured out what my problem was that caused me so much depression and now, my work is at stake. 

Not for so long, my fiancé and I decided that I will need to be back to his country after my first visit. Well, that brought light and delight! I was so focused and busy in preparing my documents and requirements in processing my visa. And in less than six months, I'm back to the U.S.! 

I thought all are back to normal and have fallen in place. Then after a month, I felt something stirring within. And I know I can recognize that feeling. It came back and slapped me right on my face as if telling me that I can ever outsmart it. That I needed to face it and solve its mystery. I tried to ignore it. But the more I do, the more it dug deeper in me. Until one day I found myself in the same spot. So depressed, disappointed, insecure, hopeless, melancholic.... And I'm drowned. This time I am drowned. I can no longer breathe. And I'm too tired. Too tired to think about why? And all that I ever wanted to do is just stop. End everything. That's it. I'm on my dead end. I'm done. 

   "....you can find love. If you search within yourself.. And the emptiness you felt will disappear....then a hero comes along. With a strength to carry on. And you cast your fears aside. And you know you can survive...." 

Then I heard myself and listened to what I was singing last night while I was cooking for dinner. And I realized, I am bigger than my problem! Whatever it is, no one can beat it but me! That there's not another person who can help me unbolt myself from this chain of miseries but me. 

    "So when you feel like hope is gone. Look inside you and be strong.... And you'll finally see the truth... That a hero lies in you!" :) 

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Off To My Fantasy Land

When I was a child, I thought real life Princes and Princesses don’t exist – thought they were just some book writers and movie scriptwriters’ imagination. Funny though –I then believe in “they live happily ever after”.

Those were the days when dreaming and imagining that my own Prince would come to my rescue happens; just like how Princesses from the movies are rescued by their own Princes. And my imagination goes on with an ending of me and my Prince “living happily ever after”.

I had those imaginations stuck within me for years until one day I realized that I need to wake up to the reality and leave my fairy fantasy land behind.

Unlike however some other kids my age, I don’t believe in the existence of Santa Claus. Not because I live in my own imaginary fairy land (where gnomes, Prince, Princesses and dwarfs were the only characters –no Santa Claus is to be found) but because my parents told me that Santa Claus is people’s “imaginary gift giver and wish grantor” for kids who have been playing their good characters all year round. They told me that Santa Claus is just actually Mommy and Daddy dressed in that funny red suit with awful beards (that most of the times don’t look appropriate on them) and would tip toe at the middle of the night when everybody’s at their deep sleep to put their gifts under the tree. Guess my parents were being too mean to have that wildest imagination a normal child could bear busted for me. The good side however, there wasn’t a Christmas that my parents would skip in putting up a tree together. Every year I am seeing different styles and designs for a Christmas tree –designed of course by my mother and with the help of my father have the thing up.

As years passed however, the need to put off the belief of a “merry” Christmas must be considered. Guess my childhood wasn’t as fantastic as what other kids my age have. Since my parents separated a decade and some years ago, I stopped believing in Christmas. I told myself that Christmas, like Santa Claus is just most people’s imagination of entertaining themselves and making themselves believe that there is this certain season of the year for humanity to celebrate and enjoy.

I grew up as a bitter person full of questions and frustrations. I wonder why other kids were given the privilege of having a real and complete family –with Mom and Dad around. Then I told myself that one day, I’ll have someone that will love me –someone I can call mine. And together we’ll build our “complete, happy family”. Someday –in my wildest dreams. In my own fantasy land.

Now I’m old enough to realize what’s real from dream, what’s hallucination from imagination. It’s ironic to think that as I’ve realized and learned that Princes and Princesses were actually real (and some exists in Europe) that I have stopped believing in “living happily ever after”. I think this has something to do with what happened to my parents’ marital relationship. Although I know that my parents’ story don’t define my life’s own story, but only Lord knows how their separation struck me –bull’s eye!

I however didn’t give up in love. I did have past relationship that lasted for over a decade; unfortunately with someone not so deserving of my trust. But I let bygone by bygone and open another window for another chance. Whatever and wherever will my present relationship will lead to, I know that while Prince and Princesses are real the “living happily ever after” part will happen at the right time, with the right person. And if this relationship that I have is with the right man, then I’d be sure to someday (if when, I can’t tell) spend the rest of my life with him in the real world –and not only in my own imaginary, fantasy land.

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The Voice Within

My real intention of creating this page is –like other bloggers will at least earn something, however, it appears like maintaining a site for that purpose is time consuming, very confusing and stressing that lately I just found out that I have turned this page into a virtual diary where I can vent, share my ideas and “talk” myself out.

I guess it all started when I found out that I have no one to talk with and is caged inside this four-cornered house (but of course we don’t have a circle house) 24/7 with the convenience of having round the clock access to the internet –of which they claim is the home of all of the most interesting “whatevers” that can take you out from your delusion and take you to an interesting and notable level of entertainment. But I guess this doesn’t apply to everybody and that includes me.

I am one of those home based professionals that try to make ends meet by facing my computer as early as 5AM until as late as 2AM the following day. With the privilege of course of managing my own time (meaning I choose when to take a break, rest and eat) that unfortunately often turns out to be deprived from me since there is no way will I waste a single minute to leave my computer (for the intent of earning not for myself but to help my family in making ends meet ---long list of debts, bills, needs and again –“whatevers”!) just to do those things.

And whenever during my long day and night at work, a friend would call or send a message (through text, email, etc) I need to at least take time to multitask between my works and them just so to be able to give time for them (and that’s no biggies though. I meant it every time I listen to their vents, frustrations, problems and “whatevers”).

And then here comes the last day of the week and although I hate it (but since it is a part of my weekly routine), I need to check on the needs of my family –food, bills, other stuff (although please don’t you ever think that I am married since I am definitely single! Maybe it’s the culture or could be the burden of being the first born that I need to take all of these responsibilities of helping them –and then again, it is my pleasure to do this, they’re my family, right?) So once I’m done with the “buckle list” that we need for the entire week, I need to get myself to the nearest market and store to buy all of the items listed. (just in time since I just received my salary for the week. Yey!)

Now here comes the time that I really feel exhausted that I think I need to treat myself –so I go by planning, estimating and calculating everything that I need. And once I’m done, I’ll end up cancelling the plan since looking at how much money I’d be wasting brings me back to thinking about the long list of debts, bills and “whatevers” that I need to prioritize.

Ho! I am no superwoman, so I turn to try to talk to my friends about life and stuff like that but wait –am I just talking to myself? If they’re not too busy, they’re too busy or just too busy. So okay, I guess I need to get back to facing my computer, work on my tasks, pout (whenever necessary), use both of my index fingers in stretching my lips (forcing it to smile) and say “what a loooonngggg day!” Well, I guess I’ll have my time when I’ll finally retire to my bed super late at night (no, very early the next morning –now that’s confusing!). My bed is my only reward, my pillow is my loyal friend and my blanket is my only comforter. And that Guy up there is the only person who hears my cry –the voice within (I am not really sure if I am into making loud cries that it resonates up to His place) but regardless of whatever His hearing skills are, I am thankful He is there just willing to listen to my cries!

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I’m glad to finally see you smiling,Mommy!

Dear Mommy,

You were too young when you met dad. I guess both of you were in senior high school by then. You two were very happy; especially you, Mommy. There is not a boring day to you whenever you are with him. And obviously, the two of you were in love. It shows. You were glowing!

Every day the two of you have each other. And when you celebrated your first anniversary, you were the happiest girl in the entire university! Oh, Mommy! You’ve been wearing such a smile only you can define what it’s all about. Well, it is your heart that can describe everything.

Years passed. There were times when you two had fights. However, none of you gave up. That’s love. Real love. Until one day, you were freaking out. I guess you were afraid? Uhmmm… No, I guess you were just excited. You called Dad, you agreed to meet up and talked. I can see the surprise painted on his face. I am not just sure if like you, Daddy was in absolute happiness too.

You two were discussing things. I heard the term “options” and “future”.  There were terms so vague I can’t understand. You were talking about “responsibilities”, Daddy was just listening. You were crying since then, Mommy. You never stopped crying. I wish to let you know that I was sad to see you sad and I was hoping to hear your laughter again. I can see Daddy was always there for you to catch all of those tears that run down your face. What’s wrong, Mommy? Why can’t you be happy and wear those smiles again?

One day, you talked with Daddy again. You said that your decision is final. I didn't really understand the whole thing, but you were saying you wanted to pursue your plans. That you want to graduate college and become a doctor. Daddy was just listening, staring at nowhere. What happened, Mommy? Why aren't you telling me anything? I’m here, willing to listen if you need me to.

One fine day, you went to a “specialist”. You have this appointment and I feel so excited since you said it’s for everybody’s good. The person in white robe, he was carrying with him some apparatus. I am not sure what they were. They had you in bed. And hey! What is that, Mommy? Why am I feeling some pains? It’s painful! Help me, Mom! Wait!

After the procedure, you were laying still in that bed staring at the ceiling. I saw tears running down your cheeks again. However, I saw a faint smile. Did that really make you happy, Mommy? Well, I’m glad to finally see you smiling again! I am happy that you are wearing that smile again, Mommy! I love you and thank you for keeping me and making me a part of you, even if it didn't take much time. I hope you gave me chance, Mommy. Chance to make you feel my love for you.

Love,

Your child. Your aborted child.

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The Best Time To Say “I Quit. Goodbye”

Admit it or not, but even if you have determined that you are no longer emotionally attached or concerned about the person, you still can’t get the courage of telling that person directly that you want to end anything between the two of you. There are possible reasons for this. Different people though having the same concerns are actually faced to different reasons. 

You could be someone who believes that the person you love is the best person ever existed and that no one can ever be like her or him. You might be trapped in fear thinking that if you will let go of whatever it is that you have together, there will be not a single soul that you can be with after this relationship. Or maybe you made yourself believe that all you deserve is what you have right now. 

Call it quits. There are so many ways to do that. Be frank, be courteous. There also is a need for you to be sincere and honest. Don’t go around the bush and confuse the person with what you really want to confess. While this can cause them frustrations and depressions, but isn’t it that keeping the relationship for formality and mercy’s sake is more frustrating and depressing? Don’t you think you will be fair to the person by just simply confessing to them how and what exactly you feel?

When? There could be no other perfect and proper timing than soon. If not today, at least not some other time. You will know if you are at the right time. Listen to your heart, weigh your conscience. Study and observe the person. Get to know the possibilities of the plan you are intending to happen. Be prepared of the results and possible consequences for your intention and motives. 

How? Explain things right. Talk directly and never falter. However, this doesn’t mean that you have to be ruthless and rude to the person. If it is impossible for you to make them understand your side, make them feel that you are not just doing this for your sake but for both of you.

Keeping a relationship isn’t just about making you or the other party happy. A relationship is a partnership, therefore it selflessness must be present. There is no sense of keeping it when you know that you are no longer happy. In the same way, that it will be unfair to your partner to make him or her believe that you are still up for them when you absolutely are not.

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"Dance With My Father"

Certainly a meaningful song that every daughter around the world will be moved while listening to it.
And I am one of them.

I have heard of this song some months ago. It seemed like very popular that most of the people that I know of are talking about it. I don’t belong to those people who would prefer to listen classic or slow songs. Despite I am a woman, and I know most of the women my age would love to listen to such song genre, I am different. My choices include heavy metal, rock, alternative rock and any loud music. I am different.

Anyhow, just a while ago I was working on my papers when this song came across my mind. Thought of maybe hearing it again, closer this time with lyrics on. So, I searched on the internet for a video of the song with its lyrics on. Well, I remember I was busy with my work so instead of reading through the lyrics, I had my headset on and listen to it as it was played while continuing on my work.
My mind was focused on my computer screen.. that’s what it was before I really “started” listening to the song. I was taken aback as my ear started to “digest” each word from the lyrics.


Back when I was a child
Before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
And dance with my mother and me and then….


These lines bring me back to my childhood. Back then when everything was so real. Everything was so ideal. Everything was oh so perfect. I didn’t really get a chance to dance with my Dad. Unfortunately he left us for another woman when I was about 16 years old. But I had the best childhood memories with him.

I never really get a chance to dance with my father. My-used-to-be-super hero. However, I had the best playmate in him. He taught me how to play a toy gun, assemble a toy car, kick a soccer ball and punch a traitor’s face.

I never really get a chance to have my father as my first dance on my debut. Not only because I never really had the real debut (cotillion) party but because of the fact that even if I had, dancing with him and having him as my first dance would be very impossible.


If I could get another chance
Another walk
Another dance with him
I’d play a song that will never ever end
How I’d love love love
To dance with my father again…..

Again, I never really had a chance to dance with my Dad. But we often had the best talk. Despite my very young age that time, Daddy used to talk to me as if I was just his age. He taught me anything about guns, relationships, men, world,.. just all about real things.

When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way I would run from her to him
He’s make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do
Just what my Mama said…..

I remember back then when I was still a student. Mother, being the one so concerned about future and studies would really want us to excel in school. Modesty aside, I was able to keep flying grades every year. I always have the top or the second to the top rank in class. Mama was very proud of that. Dad was too.

There was once when I failed to get into the same rank. I can see how mother’s face turned red when he heard my name called last. I was on my way going to the stage to get my ribbon, but Mother didn’t make a single move at all to come up on stage and pin my ribbon like what she usually does. I know I disappoint her. All of a sudden, someone stood up and went up the stage and pinned my 13^th honor ribbon for me. He even whispered saying “Good job, kid. Keep it up!”


If I could steal one final glance
When final step
One final dance with him
I’d play a song that will never ever end
‘Cause I’d love love love to
Dance with my father again…..

Well, if I can turn back time I still will prefer not to take the chance to dance with my Dad. I still will want to have it the same way as I had with him before. I’d still take the same memories.

Pap’s, this post is for you. You might not get a chance to read this (you don’t really care to give time to read any article), but still I’d like you to know that I am still your little darling, the one you used to play and laugh and talk with before… Thanks for the memories!

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Parents’ Separation: A Daughter's Perspective

Let me be me on this blog. Since there is no way that a person can clearly deliver his or her thoughts if done indirectly, then maybe this time I want to speak in my behalf.

Yes, I am one of those whose parents are separated; divorced, legally separated, living apart… you can call it by your own terms and definition. Well, they all mean the same – a broken family.

I was 15 years old, few months before I’ll turn 16 when Mom and Dad finally agreed to separate. We don’t have divorce here in the Philippines, only annulment of marriage (whatever their difference is, I don’t really care). But either way, my parents are separated. 

Although it is now vague to me whenever I think about those days when we are still a “family”, I’d still love to rekindle and reminisce the past. 

My parents are not rich. We are not rich. Dad used to be the “home-buddy” and in charged to take good care of me and sister when we were very young. My mother is the one working for the family. After several years, my father has to work and became a police officer. 

But since, Daddy has been staying with us most of the times that I became more inclined to being close to him. He was like a hero to me. He taught me a lot of things that mother prohibit me to try like playing with the kids in the neighborhood, try eating some street foods and get involved in some fights! My father taught me to be tough, to be a fighter. Mother on the other hand taught me everything that I need to know about God, being good to other people, respect, obedient and all of the stuff that I can learn at school from A to Z and 1 to infinity. She’s the soft sweet one. Dad’s the opposite.

I know my Dad so well. Of course, he’s my best friend and my hero. I know all of those that he’s been doing. But I am sure, Mom is pretty much aware about those too. Well, I guess my Dad was just born a womanizer. I have to call him “Uncle” if he’s faced with a sexy and gorgeous lady. I need to pretend I don’t care. At a very young age, I’ve learned how to wear a mask and how to wear a fancy smile. Dad indirectly taught me that too.

I didn’t really care. All I care about is I have a family and my father is living with us. I didn’t know, Mom was thinking the same. There were a lot of things that happened. Several secret fights between my parents have taken place. I know. I can feel it even if they are hiding it from us. I know something is wrong and one day so soon, they’ll call it quit. 

I was 15 years old… just few months more and I’ll turn 16 when Dad left. It broke my heart to see him go along with his stuff. It’s as if I saw my super hero fade away and will never come back.

Since then I no longer celebrate Christmas, New Year and Birthdays. And I started to hate December, January and my birth month. I hate even a Christmas Tree’s silhouette. It reminds me of those times when my parents set up the tree together. Every time I look at guys I am seeing devils and it feels like I want to choke them to death. I hate it when I’ll see a father and his child enjoying moments together. I hate it when I’ll see a family attending mass together. 

I understand how important it is to make a decision even if it means so much pain. Especially if the resulting pains are the remedy to end those existing pains. I love my parents. And as much as I want to, how I wish I can have my family back. However, that’s impossible now. Dad has another family. Mother stayed single with us but is currently enjoying her life. And it looks like both of them are happy now. That’s all that matters to me – my parents are happy.

Please also visit my other blogs The[un]chef101. And if you have not yet subscribed to my channel My Siesta  please click on the subscribe button and share this video so other people on the same diet can also enjoy this dish. Thank you very much!