ONE STEP AT A TIME.
Today, more than ever, I may have a different mind set and perspective on things. I am not a typical talker myself. What I mean is, I am not good at talking and/or expressing and/or explaining myself. I know what I want to say, but I couldn't find the right and proper words to say it. In line with this, more often than not, I'd find myself secluded and unaggressive to the point that I wouldn't even bother defending myself even when necessary. What I am good at, is talking to myself. I feel and am very comfortable doing that. It's my only way of expressing my thoughts and explaining my emotions. My only way of putting everything in order, planning and fixing what I think is broken. Every time I am caught in something undesirable, I'd bring myself to a place where no one is but myself. And there, I'd talk and figure things out -with myself, by myself. This process would take days, most of the time months, until I am out of that "zone" and have finally a way out or solution to whatever I am dealing with.
You can say that I am weird, I guess, I will have to agree with you on that. For years, this was me. I always have the reservations and the doubts in opening up to other people, family or close friends, about what I am going through. I think, it is the fear of being judged and of prejudice that made me this. Regardless, most of the time, my way of handling things and dealing with them privately works.
I've had my own shares of ups and downs -to the point of reaching depression and the peak of melancholy. And just to clear things up, when I say that I keep things to myself, doesn't necessarily mean that my family and closest friends don't know anything about what I've been going through. I think I will need to elaborate on this. See, expressing and explaining myself seems to be a strain for me.
My life is an open book to whoever wants to know about it. Whenever asked, I am more than willing to share and open up my answers -honest answers. All of my friends know about me. My family, the more. However, it is when critical things happen that I would withdraw myself from the scene and put me inside my own private bubble so I could ponder on things -alone, by myself. I may share a few details to the people I trust the most, usually close friends, but there are certain important points that I don't. And those are the things that I spend days and months thinking, solving.
Why do this, you might ask? I ask the same question to myself too. You see, I am surrounded with wonderful people. And do have healthy number of friends whom I know that I can trust my secrets to. I do have a family that is capable enough to help me out whenever I will need help, especially in dealing with problems and life challenges. However, I just feel that I owe to myself and it is my responsibility to face and solve my own issues. To me, friends and families aren't people whom you can just "bother" anytime you needed them. I mean, I think I am just oversensitive to think that it would be rude of me if I'd depend every single decision and plan to them considering that, they too have their own challenges. It makes me feel useless thinking that I couldn't even give a light to a certain struggle I have.
Until one day, I noticed that I am in the darkest deepest corner of my life where I can't even see nor hear myself. Regardless how often I talk to myself, it seems like the me inside of me is tired, burnt and exhausted from keeping everything in place on my own ways. I tried searching for myself, looking for where I left me. I thought, I am lost and reached the dead end in the middle of nowhere. Everywhere I look, I see black. I couldn't see anyone, I couldn't reach out to someone because I was trapped in my own world -the security bubble, that I made for myself. My sanctuary has become dark and impermeable to even myself. I was gasping for help and no one is there to offer a hand, nor an ear to listen to what I say. Where was I? Where was the dependable me when I needed her the most?
I called unto God for help but it seems like even the Divine couldn't get through where I am at. I can't believe that even He, left me.
That day turned into years. Four years. To be exact. For four straight years, I'd wake up wondering why I woke up. Within those years I curse every breathe of air I feel getting out of my body. No one knows the exact extent to this depression that I am in. Close friends knew I was in a condition when most women feel their lowest after giving birth. I had two babies in two years, double the symptoms thus double the condition? Probably. People whom I share this struggle with would tell me their advices and suggestions on how to deal with things. Relax, rest, breathe -they say. And I, the obedient part of me, would consider. However, nothing changed. Every day I'd wake up with no sense of purpose at all. I came to a point when I would convince myself that the purpose why I am in this world is because I do have my children who love me. However, saying that is more of making myself guilty for saying things that don't really came from the inside of me. I was just saying it, I was just considering it because it is what's the right thing to say when you are a loving and caring and nurturing mother/parent.
My husband didn't know. My mother didn't know. Only a few close friends knew about what and how depressed I am. Then again, they only know the things I want them to know. I only tell them just much and enough so they will have a slight idea about my current state. But deep inside me, I am lost. Very lost. I am depressed. Very depressed. And I feel very very alone. How alone? I am an immigrant. My family (my mother and sister and relatives) lives in the other side of the globe. We are not only separated by thousands of miles but also by time zone. So, even if I am the sharing type of a person to them, there is no way that I could get them to talk to me real-time whenever necessary. I feel alone, away from my family living with foreigners in this far-away foreign land. Add that up to my existing state, probably will triple the depression.
I came to a point when I have given up. It's like a feeling of being worn out from a long journey and felt like you will never reach your desired destination. I planned for my demise. I am a planner, have you recalled I mentioned about this? I spent days trying to communicate with myself on planning a measured orchestrated suicide. I can't just do it anytime of the day, I do have two young babies with me at home. My husband doesn't come home from work until after 7 in the evening and if I'd do the act to soon, something emergency might happen and I can't afford the thought of endangering my babies for the sake of my own "peace" and "happiness". I've found the right material, the accessory for the crime. A kitchen knife that I have been sharpening for days (weeks this time). I plotted the right time, at least 30 minutes before my husband is home. Everything should work perfectly as planned.
I was ready. It's about time. And now is the right time. But just when I was about to do the deed as planned, I was reminded of my great fear -Thanatophobia, the fear of dying. Then while it sinked into my mind, I realized that I am not the person who wants to deal with any self-inflected pain. Modesty aside, I am known for my unbelievable strength in dealing with any physical pains but thinking of inflicting pain to myself is a no - no to me. Then this made me think -okay, I'll die. Everything, whatever this is that I am going through, will finally come to an end, and then what? The world will go on. For a year, probably two, my family and friends will mourn me. They will feel sad for losing me. But then after the period of mourning has subsided, they will just move on with their lives and at some point, unknowingly unconsciously, will forget about me. Eventually. What will I benefit from all of this?
And right there and then it strike to me, the truth. About life. About love. About people. About relationships. About everything. Regardless how good of a planner you are, how successful your career is, how happy your family is. Regardless how great you feel of yourself or how less you think you are compared with other people's standards, the world is full of uncertainty. I am being reminded of what I wrote in one of my previous blogs years ago -"The only certain in this world is uncertainty." That you will never know what life will throw at you today or tomorrow. That you can never expect that the people that surrounds you, who pledged their love and loyalty and support to you will remain true. That your intelligence will be forever promised and that you will excel in life as you have planned. That even if you guard yourself safe in your own-made security bubble, there will come a time when even yourself will betray you and leave you. That regardless how much strength and joy you have within yourself and you think that your fountain of love and joy and gratefulness will never run low -trust me, time will come that you will run dry of these. That you will get worn-out, tired, exhausted, used up and that you will reach a point when all that you want to do is just to give up and do just nothing.
When I realized that I was standing on the danger side, I took baby steps in trying to lead myself away from that line. One day at a time. I started it with waking up doing a silly exercise. I would stretch my lips from side to side, so wide until I am forming myself a smile on my face. A smile to start the day. Then I'd make the bed. And I'd feel so accomplished already. Not even five minutes from waking up. I did this for a year. There are days, of course, that I'd slip and get back to being depressed and all, but I would always make sure to bring myself to that smile "exercise" and look forward to the next morning when I can get something accomplished first hour of the day by making the bed.
I am not an expert on this. And I am, in any way, not an expert on anything, I don't know half or maybe a quarter of what you know, but all that I know is that whenever you feel yourself caught up and in prisoned in this kind of situation, find time to remember you. Find time and space to think about you. Recall things about you -what you want, what you like, what are your fears, what makes you happy, what brings you here and what will keep you living? I know this may sound very selfish, but one has said that you have to love yourself first and whatever pours out of that self love is the amount of love that you can use in loving other people. (I may have said it in a very different way, then again I am not coherent and I find it very difficult to explain and express myself, but I hope that you get the gist of what I am saying.)
So for this New Year 2022, I would like to say that whatever it is that you are into, whenever you feel like you are in the crossroads or dead end or middle of nowhere, just think that everything in this world may leave and everything may be uncertain but what remains true is you to yourself. You are not perfect and so am I, and no one is expecting us to be, it's okay to feel hurt and it's okay to go through rough days. It's okay to share it with your trusted circle of people and it's okay to just keep it within yourself. But what is not okay is when you think of giving up. Take baby steps. One day at a time. And if a day is impossible to achieve, take one minute at a time. One second. Who cares? It is your life, your strategy. What's important is you get yourself braced and brave through the waves that life designs to come crashing to your shore.
I HOPE TO SEND TO YOU ALL MY WARM WISHES FOR A PROSPEROUS, HEALTHIER, HAPPIER NEW YEAR 2022!
Please also visit my other blogs The[un]chef101. And if you have not yet subscribed to my channel My Siesta please click on the subscribe button and share this video so other people on the same diet can also enjoy this dish. Thank you very much!
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