Just last night, while I was preparing for dinner, I heard myself singing the song "Hero". Wasn't paying attention to myself though, and it's not my habit to sing while doing something.
"..then a hero comes along. With a strength to carry on. And you cast your fears aside. And you know you can survive.... So when you feel like hope is gone. Look inside you and be strong.... And you'll finally see the truth... That a hero lies in you!"
It wasn't until I heard myself singing these lines when I started listening. And the message struck me. Bull's eye!
"It's a long road.. When you face the world alone. No one reaches out a hand for you to hold...."
A few years ago I started struggling with depression. Frustration. Not really sure of the difference of those two, but I am sure I felt so less of myself and melancholic. I have a good job by then. Was working for a big Australian insurance company with great compensation and rewarding benefits. And since it's an Australian account, and I'm in the Philippines at that time, I worked on regular office hours thus I was freed from the dilemma of working graveyard shifts. Backtracking, I used to work with American companies as customer support officer, thus I had to work while the rest of the Filipinos are enjoying their beds at night. Bringing you back to the "then" future, I guess I have all that I need. I am renting my own space, paid my monthly bills, took care of my needs and was just great at making ends meet. And if you are thinking that the "probable" reason for my distraught is because I'm single, no I'm not. Although it's for a long distance relationship but my then fiancé and I were able to keep the relationship healthy and normal despite the distance and time difference.
So what made me melancholic? Trust me, up until this point my answer is -I don't know. Strange eh? Yes. Indeed it is odd. I have spent so much time, so many days and nights in trying to figure out what's wrong with me? Until I got so exhausted, so stressed and so disappointed with life. Did I tell people about it? Yes and no.
I'm the person who chooses whom I'll confide myself with. Not all of my trusted and closest friends knew I was struggling. I told at least two people, both I've know in only less than two years. Why them? I just feel like it's them whom I can trust and it's them who sees and understand the real me. The true me. And I know, that they've been very sensitive enough to know that I was struggling long before I opened up to them.
Days and nights, my battle worsened. I became more and more contained. Restrained. I chose to stay at home during my free days, I don't go out with friends, I merely talk to people in the office -other than my closest office mates. And I am reclining more to becoming a certified introvert. I spent my free times reading just about any books. And I couldn't even remember what the book is all about just after finishing it. I lost my focus.
I was so consumed with my depression that I realized I'm sinking. And with that realization, I became more weary. I am caught in an unending wave of disappointment and insecurity. And a pile more of negative thoughts and feelings attacked me. I was so helpless. Hopeless. Tired. Feels like I'm buried down in my own bottomless pit, too weak and tired to dig myself out.
Both my spirit and soul were dead. I was mentally and physically exhausted. And I couldn't find a way to break free. While I was so tired an feeling hopeless, I didn't physically surrender. Although my depression was painted all over me, I still tried to live life on a normal ground. I would share jokes to my friends, occasionally talk to them, and if I feel like going out with them for dinner -I would.
Unfortunately, despite how good I am at wearing my "poker face" and jiving, going along with whatever is happening trying to live normally, it was almost too late when I realized that my performance at work was greatly affected. I couldn't count the number of instances when my direct manager would request for a chat with me. And trust me, I've already memorized each directives he is about to tell me. Of course, I was just there to listen and nod; listen and nod. After a few weeks, I was transferred to another team -nothing changed. I'm nothing but a failure.
Adding my work issues to my then existing struggles made me feel so horrible. How could life be so rude to me? I haven't even yet figured out what my problem was that caused me so much depression and now, my work is at stake.
Not for so long, my fiancé and I decided that I will need to be back to his country after my first visit. Well, that brought light and delight! I was so focused and busy in preparing my documents and requirements in processing my visa. And in less than six months, I'm back to the U.S.!
I thought all are back to normal and have fallen in place. Then after a month, I felt something stirring within. And I know I can recognize that feeling. It came back and slapped me right on my face as if telling me that I can ever outsmart it. That I needed to face it and solve its mystery. I tried to ignore it. But the more I do, the more it dug deeper in me. Until one day I found myself in the same spot. So depressed, disappointed, insecure, hopeless, melancholic.... And I'm drowned. This time I am drowned. I can no longer breathe. And I'm too tired. Too tired to think about why? And all that I ever wanted to do is just stop. End everything. That's it. I'm on my dead end. I'm done.
"....you can find love. If you search within yourself.. And the emptiness you felt will disappear....then a hero comes along. With a strength to carry on. And you cast your fears aside. And you know you can survive...."
Then I heard myself and listened to what I was singing last night while I was cooking for dinner. And I realized, I am bigger than my problem! Whatever it is, no one can beat it but me! That there's not another person who can help me unbolt myself from this chain of miseries but me.
"So when you feel like hope is gone. Look inside you and be strong.... And you'll finally see the truth... That a hero lies in you!" :)
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